The Multiple Me

I just remembered what was one of the main difficulties I usually find in keeping a blog rolling, and that's the lack of consistency.

Not only that I not always feel like writing (which is also true), but mostly, that when I log back in to the blog, I often find out that I don't like anymore the entries I've written, or the general line of it, if entertaining or critical or witty, or the overall theme, this preaching theme now.

I'm a switchy person.

"Wow, you really seem to be a totally different person when you are in a good/bad mood!".

How often have I been told that?

How hard and painful has been everytime to put on a weak smile on my face to that remark, because I know (and how I know!) that it IS true.

Enclosed on my own being me, getting imperceptibly absent from the conversation, I then wonder if the other person knows how it actually feels to become a different person, to be a switchy human being, or, even further than that, how it feels to experience life, my existence, my identity and my blog as totally different things from one moment to the next.

And yes, I'm aware of that whole bi-polar disorder discourse, but for some reason, deep inside, I feel that I reject it. I don't believe that it could be any different, and I definitely don't regard it as a 'condition'.

This whole thing of not feeling me, it's what feels like me. Probably, it also is what makes me look at people and wonder in disbelief how they can be so self-righteous, so egocentric or so arrogant. I believe it's a matter of sensitivity and it probably is what prevents me from being like that as well.

Because with time, I have learnt also to find the possibilities each dimension of me has, so while I can be the outgoing social person and meet and charm people in ecstasy, I can also be unable or unwilling to deal with people, calm and analytical, and in the lowest of spirits, with a heavy weight in my soul, I can hardly manage to drag myself around, but I become more meditative and mystical.

The problem is of course that one can never choose which one you get or for how long. But that's probably what I have learnt from life and from Gandalf:

You can never choose what you get, only what to do with what you get.

This blog then, will be under my protectorate. We all, you and me, will have to put up with its switchy nature, and, in honour to the bounds that took you (I wonder) to read what I write for you, I beg you to forgive it and to love it, in spite of its craps.